Redshirt
by skipmunks
Summary: Spock has reminisces on a secret love, lost. Spock's POV.
1. The Squire of Gothos

The two of us, McCoy and I, stood by the doorway and just looked at him. He had his rested on his arms, positively miserable. He hadn't even looked up at us upon our entry, which I found not only illogical but consequently rude. But he was my best friend, and he was hurting.

"Considering his longevity...It's trully an eternal trying." McCoy muttered.

He angled himself more in my direction.

"You wouldn't understand that, would you Spock?" He crossed his arms and looked at me, "You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him. Because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to."

I raised my eyebrow, indicating what he would take as human nonchalance.

"The ecstasies, the miseries...The broken rules...The desperate chances! The glorious failures...The glorious victories." His tongue lazily rolled around the inside of his cheek, "All these things you'll never know. Simply because the word love isn't written into your book."

I looked at the doctor the same way I always did, the same way that he expected me to. He was incorrect, as it were. The word love was written into my book. I fully comprehended it's meaning, etymologies, and effect on the human being.

_But love is just a word when you think like a machine._

Out of the vast stores of my computer-like brain, those words- the words to an old song I knew once- were pulled to the front of my conscious. They hung there, suspended like an odd chemical.

"Goodnight, Spock." McCoy said, bringing my attention back to focus.

"Goodnight, Doctor."

McCoy turned slowly back to where Jim was sitting, his head miserably folded into his hands

"I do wish he could forget her." The doctor muttered loftily, before exiting out the door.

I was about to follow, but I turned around and looked back at Jim. I also wished he could forget her.

I slowly walked over to my friend.

I had every intention of giving him a solitary clap on the shoulder, an action that would be considered in bad taste had I been home on Vulcan.

However, as I got closer and saw the pain on his face, my hand seemed to change course.

Tempted to just peer into his emotions for one second, my spindly fingers came to rest on the side of his head, near the temporal region.

Immediately, I was swept up into a deep, mucky pit of sorrow.

My heart cavity felt heavy, as if someone had replaced the organ with a wet brick. My hands trembled and my throat caught with every breath, as if my very body didn't want to live anymore.

The emotion triggered a huge flashback, as before my eyes I seemed to fall away from reality, backwards in time to that fateful day.

The day I met Ensign Perry.

---------------------------

I sat in my chair in the new computer library. Starfleet has just been sent updated cataloguing software. It was going to be illogically painstaking, but all of the old files had to be completely re-entered into the new system.

I looked down at my communicator. The digital numbers blinked back at me.

A crewman was supposed to meet me there 10 minutes prior, to begin loading the data. As First Officer of the USS Enterprise, I really had no time to spare.

I turned as I heard the door open. I wasn't in a very agreeable mood, Vulcan's are very strict about punctuality.

The Ensign stepped into the lab. She was shorter than most, with dirty blonde hair that was worn down long with very blunt looking bangs, reminiscent of 1960's earth. She was struggling under a heavy silver box, filled with hundreds of tiny memory banks that she would have the thrilling job of transferring.

"I'm so sorry I'm late, sir." She huffed, plopping the box down on the table in front of me. She looked at my face, eyes suddenly a bit wider, "First Officer Spock."

I tilted my head slightly.

"Have you gotten your orders?" I asked.

She nodded rapidly, sending her bangs flying at strange angles.

"Yes, Mr. Spock. Cataloguing all of_ this_ onto the new systems. Every star, planet, moon and civilization, Alpha to Zeta." She hastily rubbed her hands onto the bottom of her red dress.

I stood from my chair.

"Correct. Allow me to take you through the process..." I motioned her to sit in a chair in front of the blinking, beeping computer panel, "Your name, Ensign?"

"Ensign Susan Perry, sir." She replied, sitting.

Three quarters of an hour later, I finished explaining the process. Perry's face looked scrunched and mildly confused.

With a pang of human annoyance, I handed her one of the files.

"Do it."

She looked at me with big eyes. They were a very peculiar shade of blue, very dark and strangely intense.

She accepted the file and pushed it into the computer.

To my surprise, within seconds her tiny fingers were flying around the panel. She had the entire thing converted in under 3 minutes, and in 2.3 more she had uploaded the entire contents under the system.

"Correct, Mr. Spock?"

I didn't need to lean over her, I had been watching the whole process expertly.

"Correct."

I turned and picked up 2 more files from the box, handing her one and placing the other in my own panel.

For another hour or so we worked, speaking only when she had to ask a question and I only when I had to answer it.

Just as I had finished uploading the Canfargian System, she leaned back in her chair and rubbed her fingers.

She looked at me and grinned.

"It's enough to make your fingers want to drop off, huh, Mr. Spock?" She chuckled to herself and stretched a little, "Then again I guess it comes with the whole 'Boldly go where no man has gone before' territory."

I looked at her evenly.

"It is highly illogical that one's fingers would come detached in any way from overexertion."

She laughed brightly and turned back to her computer.

I didn't see the humor.

------------------------------

It was several days into the project, and we were deep in the storage areas of the Enterprise. All of the new boxes of files had been successfully uploaded, and we were now moving backward into all the older, unlabeled records.

Ensign Perry's voice echoed from the other side of a tall tower of boxes.

"Okay, try this one....What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?"

I rolled my eyes irritably. She had been trying to explain the concept of a joke to me for 2.47 hours.

"It would be illogical for a fish to run into a wall, Ensign, given that they can't run."

A snicker came from her direction.

"Okay, okay _swam_! When it swam into a wall."

"Fish have no vocal chords."

"Dam. Get it? Dam?"

There was silence on my end as I continued digging through another large metal box that had nothing of any importance in it.

"Oh! I've got one that will get you for sure!"

I was beginning to get skeptical that she was even looking anymore, when I heard something clatter and her voice mutter an expletive.

"How do you find the bathroom on the Enterprise?"

I shook my head. This was ludicrous.

"I am well aware as to where the bathrooms on this ship are located."

"Just say HOW, Mr. Spock."

I straightened up, with a handful of files.

"How."

"You just follow the Captain's log."

I put the files into a bag, and moved elsewhere in the rather chilly, metallic room.

"Why isn't it funny to you?" She asked, also depositing a handful of files.

"Your statements are illogical."

She sat down on a box.

"What's so dispicable about being illogical?"

I pulled out a drawer of one of the metal cabinets and began looking quickly through the labels.

"I am a man of science. I prefer to view things in a logical manner."

"I don't see how it would be logical to prefer logic when you can't enjoy something as simple as a joke..." She brushed her hair out of her eyes, "All though in your defense, the jokes were pretty awful."

"Vulcans adopt a philosophy as our way of life, and that philosophy is to see things in a fair and rational way. Emotions only hinder that, so it would be logical to eliminate them."

She picked up the bag full of files as I added a few more in.

We took the elevator back up to the computer lab, where she heaved the bag onto the table.

I began to dig into the files, but immediately to my right, the intercom crackled to life.

"Paging Mr. Spock to the bridge, Spock to the bridge, acknowledge."

Perry took the file from my hand and gave me a weak smiles as she sat down at her panel.

I pressed the button on the intercom, muttering "Acknowledged."

As I turned to walk out of the room, Perry said my name, causing me to pause breifly and turn around.

"Can I ask you one more question, Mr. Spock?"

I nodded gravely.

"What is brown and sticky?"

A pang of annoyance rang through me. I had more important things to do than play these silly human games.

"I don't know, Ensign, and I don't see the relevance of this question."

Susan's eyebrows raised and a grin tickled the edges of her lips.

"A stick!"

There was a short silence, and either because the joke was the worst thing she had insulted my intelegence with all afternoon, or due to the tickled look she wore, I brief stretch came over my mouth. It was quite unexpected, totally illogical. My teeth were exposed, my eyes crinkled at the corners and some sort of strange gasp was emitted from my lungs.

I had chuckled.

I shook my head in disgust, quickly setting my mouth in it's customary line.

"Continue cataloguing, Perry. I want halfway through Alpha programmed before we reach Colony Beta VI."

I found the bridge in quite a dismal state. McCoy walked over to me quickly, and informed me that both the Captain and Lt. Sulu had been teleported right off the ship, onto a rogue planet.

"Thats highly illogical." I replied, striding over to the panel to check the readings myself.

"I'm picking up something, Spock." Lt. Uhura said, spinning around to face me.

I looked onto her screen.

The messages that were displayed had an extremely irksome illogical prose to them. It irritated me to realize that Ensign Perry would have found the whole thing quite amusing.

"What should we send back, sir?" Lt. Visale asked from his station.

I straightened, thinking for a moment.

"Hmm. Send this lleutenant:" I paused, putting my words in correct comic order, "USS Enterprise to signaler on planet's surface: tally ho."

There was a pause. McCoy looked at me as though I had just kicked an earth child.

"Some kind of a joke, sir?" Ensign Visale questioned, bewildered.

I felt slightly let down that my efforts at human humor were not taken.

"I'll entertain any theories, Mr. Visale, any at all." I replied, taking seat in command.

---------------------------------


	2. Flashbacks and Beta Cassius

CHAPTER 2

Something inside me was rather exictable as I strode down the corridor towards the computer lab. I didn't want to call it eagerness, but I was vaguely aware that it was caused by spending another day in the company of Susan.

The doors opened before me, and there she was, typing away skittishly.

"Afternoon, Mr. Spock."

She continued typing as I took my spot beside her.

"Ensign Perry." I responded.

There was nothing but the sounds of our fingers clacking against the buttons for a few minutes.

"Spock?"

"Yes?"

"What is it like on Vulcan?" she asked, not moving her eyes from the screen.

I stole a glance at her, approvingly.

"Vulcan is a Minshara-Class planet orbiting the star 40 Eridani A. It is hot, has a strong gravity, and a thin atmosphere."

Susan smiled softly as she typed.

"Is it pretty?"

I allowed the pictures of my home to be collected out of the recesses of my mind.

The only thing pretty about Vulcan was the sky. Always a misty red, allowing the reflection of their sister planet, T'Khut, to shine through much like the earth has it's moon.

"At some times more than others."

There was more clacking and tapping as the typing took over the conversation. Susan pushed back in her chair to reach for another file.

"What was it like to grow up there?"

More memories seeped their way out of repression, leaking into the front of my head like water from a pipe.

I remembered being a young boy, playing dice games and drawing pictures in the red Vulcan sand. The way my mother would kiss and cuddle me when my father was out of sight.

With a pang of distaste I recalled the insults thrown at me from my classmates.

Half breed.

Blood traitor.

Human.

I remembered not being able to cry about it, even though deep inside me the human Spock was miserable.

"I grew up like all other Vulcans, practicing the philosophies of Surak and the ideals of logic and strict emotional control."

Susan looked over at him intently, "Emotional control? So you can feel emotions, you just control it?"

I shook my head.

"Apart from natural instincts, no, because we have such control over them we can choose to not use them at all. It took more work on my part being half human, but I did find losing them to be quite profitable."

"Why?"

I turned my head, and spoke matter of factly: "All human moments that I have ever experienced were highly unpleasant. It was only logical that I overcame them in time."

Susan stopped typing. She was in an arguing mood today, I could sense it. However it did not worry me, she always did have a tendency to leave logic out of her arguments.

"Sure, sure, Vulcan. But there are emotions that feel good, too. It doesnt seem logical to deprive yourself of something as enjoyable as a joke. Or love...."

Our eyes met for a moment. She put her hand on my arm, "Or friendship."

"In my defense, growing up on Vulcan did mold me to Vulcan ways, much as living on Earth would have enhanced my emotional behavior. It is a common psychological theory."

She rolled her eyes at me and turned back to her screen.

"I know better than to argue with you, Mr. Spock. I might as well argue with this computer, at least I can shut it off when I please."

I also turned back to my screen, quite unsure as to whether I had been complimented or insulted.

----------------------

I adjusted the tricorder around my neck. Picking another one up off the table, I handed it to Ensign Perry.

There were 3 more ensigns beaming down with us, as well as Jim and Dr. McCoy.

I stepped into the transporter, ready to be beamed down. We were exploring the area of Beta Cassius. Being almost caught up with all the cataloguing, both I and the captain thought a day could be spared to record some new files.

The beeping buzz shortly ceased and I found myself looking at very lush, dense foliage. The majority of it was green and full, however there were so many varieties of colorful plants and fruits that the whole scene seemed staged. The air was full of their sweet scent, and the breeze that kissed our faces made the leaves rustle.

There was a brief pause as the landing party gained their footing and was taken away by the beauty of the planet.

"It's beautiful." McCoy muttered.

"Beta Cassius. Also known as Haven." Ensign Perry recited, her big cerulean eyes hungrily taking in all she could see, "It's certainly not a lie."

I looked over at Jim, who was also temporarily distracted by the immense beauty surrounding us.

"Captain, I suggest we break into small groups to survey and record the area." I stated, setting my tricorder to the correct setting. "The air is breathable, there is no immediate human life, no change in radiation."

Jim looked at me and smiled.

"You sure know how to ruin a moment, Spock." He sighed and looked back at the landing party, "Spread out as evenly as you can, try to cover as much ground as you can without missing any primary readings."

There was a chorus of "Yes, sir" as we all dispersed.

I headed east in direction, sweeping my tricorder into as many areas as I could reach.

I made my way slowly around a large shrub of some variety, aiming the device at it to make a proper log.

Something near the roots of the bush glinted, and I bent down to inspect it.

Traces of thin rock, closely resembling Earth's Mica, was creating the glint. I recorded it.

"Anything interesting, Mr. Spock?" Perry's voice asked.

I stood up quickly, turning off my tricorder.

"Nothing of immediate significance, Ensign Perry."

I looked over at her.

She was laughing, her little hand covering her mouth.

"May I enquire what you find so amusing, Ensign?" I asked.

She continued laughing as she stepped closer to me, and reached up to pick a flower that had gotten caught in my hair. It was orange and yellow, with a purple center.

"Haha, I'm sorry Mr. Spock. It just isn't your color." she laughed, putting it into her own hair, like an ornament.

I shook my head slightly.

"We are on a mission, Ensign."

"I know." she said airily, running her tricorder over the smooth bark of an amazingly twisted tree.

She leaned her cheek up against it, closing her eyes and breathing in the beauty of this planet.

"It's the closest I can get to shore leave, Mr. Spock."

I was caught off guard.

I blame the planet, it did have it's way of making everything feel good and light.

For a moment, all of the logic I knew grew quiet, and all I could see was Ensign Susan Perry.

The yellow light illuminated her from behind, causing her skin to glow in the most radiant way. Her deep blue eyes sparkled, looking like 2 galaxies filled with glistening stars.

All I could see, all I could hear, all I could feel was her.

-------------------------


	3. The City on the Edge of Forever

CHAPTER 3

McCoy is probably the most illogical human being I have ever come to meet. On ordinary days, he can reason out of the most irrevocably logical statements on whims of emotion and humanity. It is his nature, mostly forgivable, had on this day gotten us into a substantial amount of trouble.

Jim, Lt. Uhura, Second Officer Scott, and I stepped into the transporter panel.

We were beaming down on an unknown planet, right into the center of the coordinates which had sent our sensor's temporal readings off the charts. It was not a logical move for us, but as misfortune would have for us on the Enterprise, Doctor McCoy had accidentally injected 12 times the normal dose of cordrazine into his bloodstream, and in his violently paranoid state, fled from the ship.

The planet's surface slowly came into focus around us. It was rather desolate, mostly rock and sand, rather arid climes around 60 degrees.

Jim informed the landing party to split up to search for the doctor.

As the rest of the party thinned out around me, I activated my tricorder. Seeing as we were already here, It seemed logical to try and pinpoint the area of temporal disturbance.

My sensors led me to a large rock, seemingly carved into a large ring. The disturbances were coming directly from it.

"Captain. I believe I have discovered the source of the disturbance."

As soon as the Captain had joined me, the ring began to speak. It took me by surprise, and both of us jumped back, startled.

"I am the guardian of forever." the stone spoke, glowing in rhythm to it's words.

I was rather taken aback at the ring's abilities, so logically I began recording it into my tricorder.

Amazingly, we seemed to have stumbled upon a tear in the space time continuum. As the Guardian began to explain it's purpose, scenes of times past started flowing in its center, like a filmstrip. From this entrance, one could travel to any place, any planet, at any time period desired.

It was an enormous discovery.

I adjusted the knob on my tricorder in order to focus the picture.

Quite suddenly, Doctor McCoy ran past my left side, and haphazardly into the time portal.

Immediately, he vanished.

Our Surgeon General was lost somewhere deep in the folds of time.

I sighed and shut off my tricorder.

This mission was going to be much more time consuming than I had reasoned.

Jim flipped open his communicator with a snap.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise."

Silence came from the other end of the communicator.

Jim adjusted one of the settings and tried again: "Kirk to bridge, Kirk to bridge, acknowledge."

Still, no response.

My eyes met Jim's as the sudden reality dawned on us.

McCoy had altered history.

The Enterprise no longer existed.

Immediately all around me, the landing party protested.

"You can't follow him, it's too dangerous!"

"You don't even know where he is!"

"Spock recorded it, didn't he? We can at least try to figure out his whereabouts."

"Captain, the chances are too slim!"

"Would you rather stay on this planet forever? There is no ship to beam aboard, lieutenant!"

"It does sound risky, Sir."

I tuned the argument out. To me, it wasn't even a question. We had to attempt to rescue McCoy. It was the only logical answer.

The entire ship, and everyone on it, had ceased to exist. Logically, it must be recovered. Something icy dropped into my stomach as my brain wrapped itself around the situation. A thought had popped into my head that I couldn't shake.

Ensign Perry was not up there. She wasn't giggling in the computer lab or drawing comic strips in her quarters. Saving the Enterprise was no longer instinct. The fact that there was no longer a Susan Perry in the world, the fact that she had never been born was unacceptable. There couldn't be such an absence. It flawed the entire space time continuum. Logically, truthfully, unexplicably, it had to be fixed.

Somewhere from deep in my heart cavity, something quivered.

-----------------

I looked up at Jim.

He was laying on his bed, looking dreamily up at the celing.

Clearly, thinking about Miss Edith Keeler.

I turned back to my work.

In order to narrow down the time frame as to when McCoy would show up here, Earth's 1930 New York City, I had concocted an interface out of pure junk. It was almost impressive, and deep in my mind It occurred to me that I should have been an engineer.

"Spock? What do you say we take a break and go get some food?" Captain asked, still grinning lazily at the cracking paint.

I looked up at him.

Truthfully, the thought of food seemed superfluous compared to the dire importance of regaining our ship. We had already been here for 5 days, McCoy could show up anywhere from right now till yesterday. Until I got this machine up and running, there was just no way of knowing for sure.

Jim got up and stretched.

I knew he wasn't really hungry. He was just delighted to see Edith once more.

I put down my screwdriver.

I never understood why humans insisted on being so blatantly open about courtship. Take Jim for instance. There he was, my great Captain, giddily falling all over and talking in that stricken voice that lovers do. It seemed so illogical. Relationships would move so much more quickly and directly if a man didn't turn into a bag of jelly in the presence of love. I was thankful to have been born a Vulcan.

"Of course, Captain."

He grinned and sauntered out the door, more than eager to be on our way.

I stood from my bench, and bent down to retrieve my hat.

I jammed it down over my head, uncomfortably pushing the pinnacles of my ears into the sides of my head.

For a brief moment, I let my thoughts slide over to Susan.

I lifted my head and walked quickly towards the door. Now wasn't the time to focus on the possibility of failure.

I opened the door and stepped out.

Jim was on the stairs, talking in a nonsensical manner to Miss Keeler, who was walking down the stairs to meet him.

Again, irksome memories began to cloud my thinking.

In my mind's eye, I could see Ensign Perry in the lounge at night, dancing airily with lieutenant Uhura. I could see her eyebrows kneading together worriedly, overriding an error in the computer system. With a strange pang, I recalled her loud, flashing laughter, falling like drops of silver over everything as she reveled in her latest amusement.

I snapped back to reality as with a small cry, Miss Edith tumbled down the stairs.

Jim rushed to her right away, and caught her.

He looked at me guiltily.

That could have been her moment to die.

History could have been altered at that very moment.

It dawned on me then that nothing was more important than finishing the interface. We had to get back to our time. We had to save McCoy. We had to save Susan Perry.

I turned back into our room, and shut the door behind me.

I had work to do.

-----------------------

A few days later, I was walking down the corridor of the Enterprise.

The mission, though tragically involving the death of Miss Keeler, was successful.

I looked up at the bright artificial lights and felt at peace.

The Enterprise was indeed, my home.

I turned a corner and continued down the hallway towards the computer lab.

Once again, my heart cavity emitted a strange palpitation.

Although Jim and I had been in New York for over a week, time passed on the Enterprise only a few hours.

I knew she would be there. It was illogical for my nerves to be on the edge.

The doors of the computer lab slid open in front of me with a mechanical sound.

There she was.

She was not sitting at the computer, typing away dedicatedly, as I had imagined.

Ensign Perry was not cataloguing at all, but rather dancing around the lab, singing into the end of a spare converter. Her MP3 player sat on the panel, which was void of any files. Clearly, she had been working very hard in my absence.

I leaned against the door frame. For a moment, I just wanted to look at her.

I could feel the edges of my lips wanting to curl up into a human smile, but I suppressed the urge.

Yes, it is logical.

I wasn't sure what question I was answering to myself, or if it was even an answer at all. Somehow, all the strange human emotions that were running around in my head as I stared at Susan, seemed logical.

As her song came to an end, Susan whipped around and threw her head forward in a very energetic finale.

I stepped in the room and let the doors behind me close.

Her head snapped up to look at me from behind a curtain of dirty blonde hair.

Startled by the sudden audience, she dropped the converter to the floor with a clang.

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

A new song started on her MP3 player. A slow and bittersweet melody, circa early 2019.

The words slowly and scratchily floated around the two of us.

_You know your looks could kill,_

_So strange and yet so beautiful,_

_I'll get a glance before you go,_

_Oh._

Perry bent down quickly and picked up the converter, putting it hastily on the table.

"So, so sorry, Mr. Spock." she flushed an even deeper shade of scarlet, "Sometimes music passes the time... I really had been working....At a point....I wasn't expecting....I wasn't expecting you at all today as a matter of fact."

She wiped her hands nervously on the bottom of her skirt.

_I told it like I always knew_

_Someday it's gonna dawn on you,_

_You're gonna figure out you love me, too._

It was enough just to look at her. Humans have this habit of sweeping up loved ones in their arms, swinging them around and pressing their lips on their skin in a most unecessary manner. To me, just looking at her, alive, talking, blushing, was quite enough to negate the work of the past few days.

She mistook my gaze as disaproval, and immediately bent down to continue cataloguing planets Beta 12- 16.

"I will see you tomorrow, Susan."

Her ears pricked up. I had never addressed her as Susan before.

I turned slowly and left the room, feeling very fuzzy and bloated. The doors shut behind me, cutting off the mellow music from the other side.

_I was constructed for you,_

_You seem to fit me,_

_But love is just a word,_

_When you think like a machine._

_---------------------_


	4. Sick Bay

CHAPTER 4

When I walked into the computer lab that day, for a moment I was convinced that Ensign Perry wasn't in there.

I walked all the way into the room, hearing the doors whir shut behind me.

It was then that I saw the red clad figure hunched up under the edge of the panel, tool in hand.

"Ensign Perry?"

She peeked her head out at me and smiled.

"Not to worry, Mr. Spock. Just a short circuit. No data was lost."

Her face disappeared once more under the metal shelf.

"I'll have it fixed in a few minutes."

It felt mildly unproper to just stand there, allowing the female to do the mechanics, but I wanted to avoid any comments that could be mistaken as sexist and also, she was the engineer out of the two of us. Therefore I merely stood, shuffling through the colorful files laying on the table.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise, and a large spark flashed in my peripheral vision. Susan cried out, and was jolted back by the charge, knocking her head sharply against the metal panel.

I knelt down beside her quickly, grabbing her arm and pulling her out from under the panel gently.

"Susan? Are you alright?"

Her eyes were shut in a wince and she held her other hand to her head.

"I'm fine..." she whimpered.

"Your body just recieved a substantial amount of electricity. I think you should report to sick bay."

She looked at me, eyelids heavy.

"Oh, thats rediculous, Spock. Really, I'll be fine. It mostly scared me is all."

She opened her eyes fully and moved to get up.

"I don't believe you should continue working, Ensign."

I stood and grabbed her hand, pulling her up gingerly.

"Mr. Spock, It was nothing...." She put her hand back to her head.

Her knees began to shake, and her eyelids began to close again.

She blacked out, and fell against me hard.

"Sick bay, Ensign, and that's an order."

She mumbled something inaudible.

I leaned her back into my arm that was supporting her, and slid my other arm quickly underneath her knees. Picking her up securely, I headed out of the door, to sick bay.

McCoy raised an eyebrow as I walked in, holding a partially concious Perry.

"Did you pinch her?" He asked, motioning for me to follow him over to a vacant bed.

"Negative. She recieved a small shock while repairing the computer panel." I laid her down on the bed gently. Her head lolled back and forth, and she was struggling to open her eyes.

McCoy had already whipped out his body scanner.

"I'm more concerned about her head. The charge caused substantial impact with the metal of the panel." I explained.

McCoy pocketed the scanner and gave her an injection.

"She should be alright. I'd like to keep her here overnight, though. Her heart recieved a lot of stress from that shock."

McCoy looked at me evilly.

"And really, Mr. Spock, a gentleman would have done the repairs himself." he goaded.

We looked at eachother for a moment.

"As I am off to do right now." I said, turning and exiting sick bay.

He really is irritating sometimes.

-------------------------

It was nearly 3 in the morning.

I had been staring at the ceiling in my quarters in the most illogical manner for at least 3.24 hours.

I shifted onto my side.

Sleep at this point was seeming more and more distant.

I had no anxieties. My room was a very pleasant temperature. I was simply being plagued by a rare event of insomnia.

I glanced over at the digital clock. The red numbers stared blankly at me like a grinning beast.

I shifted onto my back once more.

In my mind, I solved some equations in my head, hoping to lull myself to sleep. However, the thinking involved in solving the problems merely kept me more alert.

I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed.

Perhaps I was distracted.

My mind thought of Ensign Perry alone in sick bay.

I bent over and pulled on my boots.

I walked out of my quarters.

The corridor was very bare.

The only people required to be up at this hour were the team on the bridge and the team with the engine.

I walked to sick bay unnoticed.

Nurse Chapel lay napping in her quarters off the sick bay entrance. I tried my best not to disturb her as I walked into the back room, where the patients were.

Susan was the only patient in the room.

I looked at her sleeping form from across the room. Her chest rising and falling gently in her sleep.

It dawned on me that I had no logical reason for being there.

I turned to walk back out of the room.

However, my judgement got the better of me and I looked back at her once more.

She looked so different asleep.

I walked over to her bedside.

She slept on her side, with her face towards where I stood. Her hands were curled up under her chin, almost as if she were thinking. Her bangs were sticking up at odd angles, and in my minds eye I imagined the way she would plaster them back down, nervously.

I knelt down so I was level with her face.

There was no logic to this action, I simply did it.

Her expression was very serene, as most humans are as they sleep. However, even as she dozed, the very corners of her mouth turned up slightly, as if she was amused. She looked as though at any second, she would start to giggle and look up at me with her huge eyes and say, 'Whats the matter, Vulcan?'

My fingers slowly reached towards her temple.

I suddenly was fascinated by what was going on in her head. If she was really amused.

Going against my better judgement, my fingers came to rest on the side of her head.

My eyes softened.

She was dreaming.

There she was, dancing on her tip toes on a hill of red sand. It looked almost like a beach at sunset, with a hazy red sky and a big planet in the sky.

It was how she envisioned Vulcan.

_I smiled. How completely wrong she was in her interpretation._

She was wrapped in a thin white dress. The fabric blew about her knees and brushed her ankles as she twirled, sending sand fluttering about her like confetti.

There was an orange and yellow flower in her hair, with a purple center.

I vaguely remembered it as the one she had worn on Beta Cassius.

She grew tired of twirling and skipped down the sand dune, her bare feet tickled as she pranced. The breeze blew her hair back. She was grinning.

In the distance, there was a figure standing under a twisted tree. The tree was laden with a strange red fruit, and the figure was also dressed in white. She ran over to him. Standing on her toes again, she kissed his cheek. He turned and looked at her.

My chest cavity felt like it was being filled with air. Everything felt light and warm.

It was me.

The dream Spock looked at her, unsmiling, and told her to stop being so nonsensical.

She only laughed and put both her hands on the side of his face.

He put his hands around her waist and smiled faintly.

He was happy.

I pulled my fingers away from Susan's face.

I knelt there, staring at her peaceful face as she continued to enjoy her dream.

The Spock that she dreamed of was still Vulcan. It wasn't a romanticized version of myself that she concocted. Her Spock still thought her jokes were irrelevant, and there she was, kissing his hair and giggling at his logic.

Her Spock was me.

I felt strangely elated.

She loved me without requirements. She loved me the way that she knew me, at this very moment, when it appeared I had no love in my body. She loved me regardless that I was a Vulcan. She loved the part of me that thought like a machine, the part that didn't feel love.

The elated feeling began to swell inside me. I felt as though I could lift planets, leap stars and shout so all the universe could hear.

I felt love.

-----------------------


	5. Finally and Journey to Babel

CHAPTER 5

I clicked off the monitor on my desk. It wasn't very late, however I was uncharacteristically drowsy after the previous night's insomnia.

I got lightly to my feet.

My insides still felt wonderfully airy. I wasn't used to the symptoms of lovesickness, and i wasn't sure how long they would last.

I had not seen Ensign Perry all day. This worked somewhat to my advantage, because I could not form one logical idea or sentence lately. I was quite sure that love is the emotion I was encountering, however dealing with it is a whole separate concept. The customs of human courtship seemed fascinatingly illogical to me.

I sat on the edge of my bed, preparing to take off my boots.

Perhaps I could avoid the computer lab for another day.

Immediately I knew that would be an irrevocably illogical course of action, because if I didn't see Susan soon I hypothesized my heart might give out from the palpitations.

I was startled as a soft knock sounded at my door.

I stood, curiously.

The doors slid open and a figure stepped awkwardly into my quarters.

"Ensign Perry?" I noted, taking a few steps closer, "Am I needed on the bridge?"

"No sir."

"Very well. What is the problem?"

"There is no problem, Mr. Spock...I-I have been sick and I wanted..." She looked down at her boots and rocked nervously back and forth, "I wanted to know if the cataloguing system was ever fixed, or if you lost the file."

I looked at her strangely.

It was at least midnight.

"I suppose I was also in search of some company." She admitted. She looked up, and saw that I had one boot in my hand. Realizing that I was about to sleep, she blushed a very angry shade of red. "I'm so sorry!" she turned to go.

"Susan."

She turned back around and looked at me.

"If you wish to stay, I can provide this....Company."

She nervously smoothed down her bangs with her left hand.

"Oh, I-I couldn't...."

I motioned to my desk chair.

With a crooked smile, she sat.

I sat back down on the edge of my bed, and put my boot back on.

I looked back up at her. She was staring wide eyed at my numerous Vulcan decorations. I hypothesized that some of them would be appearing in her next dream cycle.

She looked back at me, and our gazes met.

"Do you miss Vulcan, Mr. Spock?"

I folded my hands on my lap.

"To miss something involves feeling emotional attachment to it, which I cannot do. Also, after spending many years serving Starfleet, I feel more at home on the Enterprise."

She turned her gaze to another decoration.

"Oh how I should like to make it there someday."

"Vulcan's aren't very receptive to humans on their planet."

She slumped over a bit and sighed. "What a pity."

"I don't find your desire to see Vulcan logical at all. You, as I have observed, are a very emotional and nonsensical person. Both of these traits in Vulcan are considered to be in bad taste. I cannot see you thriving there."

My words sounded harsher than I had intended. I had wanted to convey my opinion that her captivating and lovely personality would be wasted on my harsh home planet. It would me a crime against humanity to cage a being such as Susan in a society that rejected her talents. It was hard enough on my mother, who had never been one to have a particularly light sense of humor.

Susan seemed to have misread my words, and promptly stood, eyes on the floor.

"You're quite right as always, Mr. Spock. Goodnight."

She walked over to the door, and I stood as well.

"Wait, Susan."

I strode over to her, and grasped her shoulders with both of my hands.

I spun her around to face me.

Her eyes, so blue and so deep, seemed to engulf me.

In one swift, fluid, highly illogical movement, I leaned forward and kissed her lips gently.

I pulled away and looked at her, my hands still on her shoulders.

From my desk, the intercom crackled to life.

"Spock, this is Kirk, you're needed on the bridge."

The words seemed so far away.

I felt as though I wasn't on the ship anymore.

I was deep in the glittering regions of Susan's galaxy.

She smiled, and placed her hand gently on my cheek.

"Kirk to Spock, Kirk to Spock, acknowledge."

I put my hand over hers, smiling crookedly.

Logical or not, this token of human admiration was certainly glorious.

Her thumb rubbed gently against my skin.

"You'd better get going, Mr. Spock."

-------------------

The lights were dim in the lounge, due to the estranged hour.

However, Susan and I still sat there, in a rambunctious silence. I had just won my 5th consecutive game of chess, and I believe she was very close to abandoning hope. Our friendship-relationship-emotions.... Whatever you would choose to refer to it as, was not easily explained and therefore most of the time we spent alone together occurred after the rest of the crew was asleep.

The stars shone mistily through the large window, twinkling lazily, as if they were asleep as well, helpfully turning their blind eye to our interplanetary abomination.

We were leaving the planet of Babel, where we had just deposited a cargo of multiple planetary senators.

The tensity between the species- as well as the 3 unexpected deaths- only intensified our hopelessness of ever exposing our affections.

And yet here we sat. My body was still replenishing my green blood cells that I had donated to my father just yesterday, and I was still unbeatable.

I took her queen.

Her nose crinkled, and she moodily removed the piece from the board.

"This is a lost cause."

She moved her rook into a completely exposed position to protect her king.

"There is still a 3.553% chance that you could eventually win." I took out the rook, "Just not this game. Checkmate."

She giggled, and flicked down my king, just for emotional closure.

"Vulcan, do you ever get bored with winning?"

I began to reset the board.

"I do not plan on winning. I simply execute the move that seems the most logical."

She started setting up her pieces again.

For a fleeting moment, our fingers brushed.

She blushed and knocked over a few pawns in her hasty retreat.

She looked at her hand for a moment, as if expecting to see something there, lost briefly in thought.

"Mr. Spock?"

I looked up.

"Why is it that Senator Sarek and your mother always touch their fingers?"

She put the two first fingers of both hands together, mimicking the action she was inquiring about.

"It is a Vulcan symbol of trust. Vulcans are touch telepaths. In a typical Vulcan relationship, access to eachother's mind and personal thoughts are the closest thing they have to expressing affection."

Susan nodded slowly, her eyes gliding over to the window at those winking stars.

She turned back to me, confused.

"But your mother is a human. She can't read Sarek's mind, can she?"

I shook my head.

"No. It is only he that knows her thoughts." I paused, also stealing a glance at the stars, "I theorize that she does it just to remind him that she is his."

I looked across the table.

Our eyes met.

Slowly and simultaneously, our hands reached out to eachother.

Gently, Susan spread her fingertips out to touch my own.

Immediately I could see, feel, and sense everything that she was.

"Never and always touching and touched." I muttered to myself.

I opened my eyes, surprised that those words had come out of my mouth.

It was the second phrase of the pon farr betrothal vows.

"Did you say something, sir?"

I was still wrapped up in the essence of her, and the question seemed to come at me from many places at once.

I slid my fingers into the spaces in between hers, lacing them together tightly.

I shook my head, a smile slowly spreading across my face.

----------


	6. Eternal Trying

Susan was up on top of the red sand dune again, still twirling like a piece of cloth caught in a breeze.

I called to her, and she came skipping down, spraying the sand about her like water.

I caught her in my arms, and we fell backwards into the sand. It felt like a warm cloud, so unlike the harsh realities of Vulcan.

Once again I could see all her deepest thoughts, spilled out in the most sincere display of trust. I flipped through them like one would do to an antique book. I glimpsed her childhood memories, her fears, her plans, flashes of pictures she intended to draw and places she hoped to see. I loved seeing them. I wanted to be connected to them forever.

I woke up with a start.

Something was lying next to me, up against my back.

I sat up, quickly.

Susan had been asleep next to me, back to back like bookends.

Her eyes fluttered open.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Spock. Did I wake you?"

My mind was still fuzzy from sleep.

"What are you doing here?"

She propped herself up on her elbows.

"I couldn't sleep. I wanted to come over and talk to you, but you looked so sweet lying there I just couldn't wake you. I guess I must've dozed off."

I laid back down, turning to face her.

Her strangeness at times astounded me. She trully was an alien.

"I'm sorry. I just....wanted to be with you." she muttered. "It's not logical."

Our eyes met and once again I felt as if I was tumbling through space.

"I don't think you have ever worried about being logical." I stated, lifting my blanket over her.

She smirked and put her head back onto the pillow.

I rested my head back down as well.

She shifted closer to me, and moved her head so her forehead was leaning softly against mine.

"I love you, Mr. Spock." she whispered.

For a moment, my heart stopped beating, of that I am utterly sure. It is not logical, but it is true.

I wanted to say it back. I wanted to say it over and over until the words were stuck in her head for days, but I couldn't. It was as if every Vulcan discipline that had hindered me for my entire life were pressing down on my tongue.

I touched my fingers to the side of her head.

The words I could not say flooded into her mind as clearly as if I had whispered them into her ear.

_I love you._

Something glittering rolled softly down Susan's cheek.

"Your face is wet. This reaction is illogical."

She took my face in both her hands and pressed her lips to mine.

"I have never worried about being logical."

Something got pushed to the back of my mind in that moment. It was quite a big thing to push, and it was the philosophy that had held my life together until that very moment:

Logic.

Suddenly it didn't matter who was human, what love was, who saw what. I loved her, she loved me, and here she was. Suddenly inches away wasn't nearly close enough. I wanted, I felt. My arms scooped themselves around her waist, marvelling at how wonderful it felt for them to not be empty at my sides. My nose fell into her golden hair, and the smell was something so good and right, it was a miracle I had gone so many years without ever smelling it. I felt her hands pushed up against my chest, and though my heart wasn't located there, it was as if she held it in her hands, feeling the love in it surge with every beat. Her leg snaked in between my knees, and the way it clicked into place was so perfect and precise it was like the answer to an equation. I felt as if no other human, vulcan, or intelegent being could fit me the way Susan was. She was made for me, and I was molded for her.

my hands were trembling with this raw, new emotion. I pulled my head away, and gently tilted her her chin upwards so I could see those eyes. It was like the entire galaxy had been condensed into them. Little universes, there in her face. I bent down and kissed her with all the passion that was in me.

This is what I had been missing.

I broke away, and ran my finger along those soft pink lips that fit my own so well.

I hadn't been missing out. I had been waiting.

-------------------------------

I cant tell you how glorious those few months were. It was a secret, not one that hurt anyone, but a glorious one, a treasure, like a child keeps because it make' s it so much better. The crew didn't notice the cataloguing not getting done as fast as it should have. They didn't catch the winks or the soft brushing of bodies that occured in the busy corridors. Noone seemed to notice that whenever they were close enough for contact, our hands touched. Not long enough to be observed, just long enough for me to hear that one thought of hers that I loved to hear so much : _I love you, darling._

We never particularly understood why we went about our affections in secret. One day, Susan just looked up at me and said: "I don't see why our love would be so shocking. We are not all that different at all." she took my hands in hers, "Red, green, it's still blood. Here, there" she motioned to her chest, and to under my left arm, "still beats a heart. It's completely logical."

However the fear of scorn and judgement did remain.

I should have listened to her.

I should have married her.

Right there, on the Enterprise, our home, amid our family and friends.

But it didn't seem logical to go through with such a service when the ship was always in some sort of turmoil or another.

There was one night in particular- although one of many- where I held her close to me as she slept.

It was very late. It was not in my better interests to be neglecting sleep as I was, however I was deeply absorbed in watching Susan's dreams pass lazily by. Most of them did not make sense, and none of them were particularly riveting, however the colors in which see thought things up were so vivid and alive that it captivated me. She had quite the imagination.

I ran my fingers lightly across her eyes.

Those sleeping galaxies.

It was moments like those when I felt full and complete. Like a solved problem.

Suddenly, the ship jerked quite violently.

I sat up, alert.

Susan's eyes fluttered open.

"Were we....hit?" she grumbled, wiping her eyes.

"It is a possibility."

I flung my legs over the edge of the bed, feeling for my boots. I knew that I would be called to the bridge momentarily.

I felt Susan's lips press softly against my ear.

My heart palpitated.

At the moment, I was most annoyed at whatever had decided to hit the Enterprise at such an inoppurtune moment.

I held my two fingers out, and she met them with her own.

_I love you._

_And I love you, Mr. Spock._

Turning, I kissed her tenderly, brushing her hair with my fingers.

Her hand caught itself in the seams of my shirt, begging silently for me to stay.

The intercom beeped loudly, and Kirk's voice suddenly rang through my quarters.

"Spock to bridge, paging Spock to bridge."

For a few joyous moments, I almost convinced myself to ignore it.

It was Susan who immediately pulled away.

She let out a sad sigh, and put her hand to my cheek, rubbing it sweetly with her thumb.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then, eh Vulcan?"

I moved a sheet of her hair behind her shoulder.

"In a perfect reality, Starfleet wouldn't come first." I muttered, looking into her sleepy looking eyes.

She met my gaze, and for the first time I saw seriousness in them.

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, Mr. Spock." Her other hand met my other cheek, so she held my head in her hands, "You are supposed to help others before yourself. And before me."

I stood slowly.

"Susan, I do believe that is the most logical thing I have ever heard you say."

She grinned and fell back into the pillows.

"I must be overtired."

I smiled to myself and walked towards the door.

I cast a brief look back at her.

"Fascinating."

I shook my head and turned into the corridor.

Many nights passed in similar fashion to this one. Many scenarios with the same ending.

I knew that my life would always be with Susan in the end. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and once those needs were met I intended on meeting my own. Someday.

It never had occurred to me that there wouldnt be a someday for us to settle down.

I, the man of logic and thinking through every option, had neglected the possibility of demise.

Something about love does that to a man.

It had blinded me, and when I woke up that morning, I was just that. A blind and irrevocably stupid man.

It was an extremely typical day.

I sat in my position on the bridge, reading the distortion coming off of the rogue planet we were hovering over.

Jim rose from his chair, and strode over to Lt. Uhura.

"Uhura, assemble a landing party. I would like to observe the cause of disturbance."

"Yes, Captain."

He turned to me.

"Spock, take over up here. Send Scotty the coordinates of the distortion. Alert me immediately if there is any change."

"Yes, Captain."

So routine, so routine.

I leaned forward in my chair to watch the viewing screen.

Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.

Hours passed, and there was still no change.

Everything was as it always is.

The bridge had gone so quiet, that when my communicator began beeping, it startled me vaguely.

I pushed the button down.

"Spock here."

"Spock, prepare to beam down. Inform McCoy that we have 2 casualties to beam up. Some kind of insect bite."

"Acknowledged. Spock out."

"Kirk out."

I felt an odd tug of annoyance.

To a space explorer, even life or death experiences seemed mundane after a period.

How naive I was.

I made my way to the transporter room.

On the way, I passed Dr. McCoy.

"Doctor."

He stopped and turned back to face me.

"There are 2 casualties being brought in board in need of an autopsy."

He nodded gravely, a look of melancholy crossing his face. That was the puzzling thing about McCoy. He had such a sense of humanity about him. Every crewman that died serving this ship, he felt a loss for. Emotions really were burdensome.

"Have them sent to sick bay." he responded, before continuing down the corridor.

I nodded, and turned into the transporter room.

I strode to where Scotty stood behind the control panel.

"Just a moment, Mr. Spock. Someone's beaming up."

I folded my hands behind my back, patiently.

Before us, the transporter emitted it's shrill whir and the figures began to materialize.

A security guard had beamed up with the 2 casualties.

Immediately 2 of the crewmen helped to heave the bodies onto gurneys.

I began to stride over to the transporter, when something caught the corner of my eye.

My head snapped back to recieve a more thorough glance.

Something swift, hard, and cold as ice hit me in the pit of my stomach.

The body on the gurney was Susan Perry.

The dirty blonde curtain of hair was tangled and matted against the board. Her eyes were the same deep blue they had always been, and always will be. However the life- all of the glittering stars and planets in her little galaxies, were gone. Extinguished like the candles on a birthday cake, nothing remaining but a polluted smoky haze. They stared up at the flourescent lights, stared but did not see.

Her eyelids were ringed in deep purple. If I hadn't heard the report of her death, I would have assumed she had been beaten. Aside from the black eyes, there were green and blue bruises on the side of her neck and hands.

Her hands.

I walked over to the gurney, halting the crewman who was wheeling it away.

I touched the pathetically broken hand, hoping that by some miracle I would hear those words once more.

Nothing but silence. Nothing but my own thoughts.

A wave of nausea rang through my body.

My hands moved quickly to the side of her head.

Still, silence.

She was simply an empty shell.

This was not Susan Perry.

"Who is it?" asked Mr. Scott, walking up behind me.

The security guard shrugged.

"Just another redshirt, sir."

A different emotion, one that I wasn't used to feeling, tightened inside of me along with my fist.

Anger.

It was appalling! How little regard humans show towards life!

Redshirt.

I had heard it a multitude of times around crewmen. A slang term, used in reference to one of the many nameless casualties the Enterprise so frequently expels. So named because the majority of those casualties were indeed, security guards and engineers.

Redshirt is the only title they would give Susan. No remorse would be felt for the loss of her light. Her star went out, and there were plenty more of them to carry on without her.

They disregarded that silver laugh. The flush in her cheeks. Her wit. Her smell.

I knew that she was not just another dead star in the galaxy.

There would be no other like her.

No other had her spark. No other fit me so well.

Thats when I felt it.

The pain.

It was sharper than I anticipated. It felt as though I had indeed been hit. My hand went mechanically to my heart cavity, half expecting to feel blood.

I would never again flip through her thoughts, taking in all that she was and giving her all that I am. I couldn't.

I closed my eyes. I felt the nausea returning with a heavy lurch.

The pain was becoming almost intolerable.

I wanted to cry out, just to relieve some of the pressure in my chest.

"Ready to beam down, sir?" Mr. Scott enquired, clapping me on the arm.

I opened my eyes again.

Susan had disappeared out the door, closely followed by the second body being wheeled behind her.

"The....Ensign." I choked out, motioning towards the closing door.

Scotty was back at the panel, readying me for transport.

"Ensigns die everyday, Mr. Spock."

I swallowed hard.

Deep in my memory banks, slowly something broke out and began leaking into the crevices of my mind.

Logic.

I looked back at Scotty.

"Correct, Mr. Scott."

I stepped into the transporter.

My chest stung violently.

A single tear rolled down my cheek, as Scotty pressed the button and I was beamed onto the planet.


	7. The Naked Time and Methuselah

CHAPTER 7

The days after that seemed to mold into one.

I kept myself quite busy. I catalogued the rest of the files. I maintained my work on the bridge. I read lots of articles from the library and played my harp. I woke up. I slept. I breathed. I willed my heart to continue beating.

Sometimes, the distractions worked. I would get engrossed in a good article, and then stumble upon a fact that I would store in my memory bank, intending to share it with Susan at a later time.

And then I would recall that there was no later time, and I would fall back down.

The relentless pain in my chest cavity never ceased or weakened. It was always there, through all of my duties and routines. It had become a part of me. Another bitter discipline.

Day after day, Logic would attempt to reason with me, try to rationalize Susan's death, make it sound fair and right.

I had picked up the pieces, and now had nothing to do with them but hold them close to me, letting them stab and pierce me, willing them to go back into the cavity where they belonged.

I tried to recall the thoughts that she had had. I replayed all of the bits I could salvage from my vast stores, and treasured them. None of the recollections had the same intensity, and all of them failed to fill the gaping wound I held under my arm, where my heart used to be.

For fleeting moments, I could see her at 5 years old, sitting on her father's lap. I could see the masterpiece she had yet to sketch in her notepad. I heard a few bars of her favorite songs, and for a second I could see, once again, that sandy red hill that she so loved to perch on in her dreams.

I had learned to hide my pain in the same fashion I had learned to hide my love.

With months and months of practice.

By the time the disease had come upon us 5 months later, I had made so much progress that I could bury the sound of her voice and the image of her face. I could pretend to forget.

The disease in question was, at the time, unidentifiable. All the information we had was that irrationality almost resembling a drunken stupor was a symptom, and was quickly taking over the crewmen.

Jim ordered me to go get McCoy.

I hastily strode into the lift and made my way to sick bay.

However, when I got there, McCoy was missing.

And thats where the trouble began....

"Where's Dr. McCoy?" I asked the nurse, standing close to Mr. Sulu's unconscious body.

"He just ran to the lab. He will be back shortly." Nurse Chapel responded.

I walked briskly to the nearest intercom.

The nurse followed me, wiping her sweaty palms on her dress.

"Lab." I paged, "Lab, Spock here...Lab!"

I gave up, turning to leave the Sick Bay. I needed to find McCoy.

"Mr. Spock." Miss Chapel cooed, grabbing hold of my upper arm.

"Nurse?" I asked, whipping my arm out of her grip.

She took my hand in both of hers.

"Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely." she looked into my eyes, troubled, "At least, people say that."

I met her gaze, quite confused.

"But you're part human, too." she reasoned.

I wasn't sure if she was telling this to me or herself.

"I know you don't. You couldn't..." she muttered, "hurt me. Would you?"

I pulled my hand away.

I had no logical response.

Still shaken, I turned to continue out the door.

"I'm in love with you, Mr. Spock."

I halted in my tracks.

It was Miss Chapel's voice that said it, I know that now. But I would have sworn on anything I knew or will know, that in that moment I could hear Susan's voice again. All the months I had spent building up a tolerance to her memory, like the skin heals over a wound, was ripped away in one swift, painful tear. My heart lay glittering and bleeding, exposed once again.

I closed my eyes.

It had taken so much discipline to hide the sorrow of losing her.

And here I was again, at square one.

I turned slowly back to the nurse.

I looked at her sad face.

The tears made her eyes look so huge.

The open wound in my heart pumped. I could feel the blood oozing around in my body.

She was no longer Christine.

She was Susan.

My eyes widened.

It couldn't be her. I knew it couldn't.

I looked down at my hand.

It was covered in sweat.

It dawned on me then, that I had caught the disease.

I looked back up at her, still wearing Susan's face.

My heart ached.

I knew it wasn't her. Even then I knew. Every logical nerve in my head reasoned that it wasn't her.

And yet, I couldn't move.

"You. The human Mr. Spock." this woman cooed.

Susan would never say that. She would not think that. She loved both parts of me.

The impostor advanced, slowly.

I shook my head.

"The Vulcan Mr. Spock?" she posed it almost as a question, as if that would appease me.

She was very close to me now.

I blinked my eyes hard.

I knew that it was Miss Chapel standing before me.

Why was it that all I could see was Susan?

"Nurse Chapel." I stammered, hoping blindly that saying it out loud would convince my malfunctioning brain.

"I see things; how honest you are...." She began, admiringly. She glanced down at my hands, and cupped them again, "I know how you feel."

All I could do was stare at her.

She was wrong, wrong in so many ways. This Susan wasn't Susan at all.

The reminder only made my wound throb harder.

"You hide it, but you DO have feelings."

I turned my head.

The pain was getting unbearable.

"Oh how we must hurt you! " she wailed, stroking my fingers.

The pain was causing a strange burning sensation behind my eyes.

My breath caught in my chest.

"I am in control of my emotions." I told myself with false confidence.

Chapel shook her head.

My vision had cleared.

I saw her as she was, now.

"The others think that, I don't." she muttered, her eyes shining.

I knew I was hurting her.

And yet, I envied her.

It was nothing compared to what I was feeling right now.

She pressed her hand to my cheek.

"Now, I love you." she pleaded, meeting my gaze again. The other hand went to my other cheek.

The same movement that Susan was so fond of.

The burning in my eyes became worse.

"Oh I don't know why but I love you." she paused, "Just as you are."

Something deep inside me burst.

Oh how often I had heard that exact phrase in Susan's mind.

I could hear her laughter. I could smell her hair.

It was killing me, it hurt so badly.

"Oh I love you." she groaned, kissing my hands gently.

I had to get out of here.

This whole situation was so incredibly illogical.

It was hurting me, hurting her.

"I'm sorry." I eventually whispered, letting the axe fall.

The intercom buzzed to life beside me.

"Mr. Spock could you take the bridge" Uhura's voice rang into the space.

I met her gaze again.

I felt like a monster and a dead man all at once.

"Acknowledge." the intercom screeched.

Her big eyes were filling with tears.

Once again, I seemed to see Susan.

It seemed to make my heart burn even more.

"I am sorry...." I stressed again. The name Susan was on the tip of my tongue, but I suppressed it.

"Christine!" she wailed.

I nodded, trying to clear Susan's face out of my mind.

"Christine." I whispered hoarsely, in an attempt to convince myself.

I took my hand back as the intercom whistled to life yet again.

"Bridge to Sick Bay, is Mr. Spock there?"

Her fingers grazed my hand as I turned to exit.

It felt as though acid was pushing up against my optic nerve.

I leaned up against the wall as the doors shut behind me.

I put my head in my hands, attempting to dispel the pain.

But her face was even more prominent when I closed my eyes.

"Mr. Spock, would you please acknowledge?!?" an intercom in front of me asked sternly.

I drew in a large breath, collecting myself.

I began walking down the hallway, hoping to shake it off.

For a moment, I thought I was truly going to do it.

And then once again, the words rang in my mind: "I love you, Mr. Spock."

I halted, shaking my head, desperately trying to get the voice out of my mind.

I'm in control of my emotions.

I'm in control of my emotions.

My breath caught in my throat again, only this time the catch caused me to shake.

It was a sob.

The burning behind my eyes was turning liquid, oozing out of the rims.

I'm in control of my emotions.

I'm in control....

I looked around frantically for someplace to hide.

I couldn't be seen like this.

I continued forth, my vision becoming blurred with the foreign tears.

By some miracle I saw the briefing room doors.

I blindly prayed that it was vacant.

I stumbled over the threshold, letting the doors shut sharply behind me.

I let out a sharp sob, and leaned against the door.

In clips and phrases, I saw and heard bits of Susan Perry.

Her eyes, her crooked grin, her laugh....

_"What's brown and sticky?"_

My insides lurched and the tears came surging forth, spilling over the edges and onto my face.

They were hot, and sad.

I wiped them off with my fingers.

I took in another deep breath.

I am in control...

"I am IN CONTROL of my emotions!" I proclaimed to the empty room.

I sounded so convincing, that for a moment, I could see clearly.

Yes, in crystal clarity I could see Susan's body-her empty shell lying rigid on the gurney.

"I'm in control of my-" I was broken off by an enormous sob that shuddered through my body.

It was no use.

It hurt so much.

I shook my head, trying to clear the image from my head.

"I am an officer! Officer..."

The sobs continued. It angered me and frustrated me, only making the tears worse.

I pounded my fist into my hand, as if it would stem the flow.

I sniffed loudly.

"My duty.....My duty is to..."

My duty was to her.

I was given a creature that fit me like the answer to an equation.

There is only one answer.

There was only one Susan.

And I let her be killed.

The realization stunned me, and for a moment I was completely still.

Why didn't I protect her.

In so many ways, it could have been stopped.

I put my hand to my face.

I was ashamed of myself.

This damned logic.

It was a prison. It was a cage.

I hated Vulcan. I hated the part of me that was corrupted by it. I hated it, entirely.

In my minds eye, I saw Susan's Vulcan. The soft sand, the moon-like planet in the sky, the twisted trees.

The breeze that kissed her as she twirled.

"My duty is to........I'm sorry!"

A new sob rocked my body, and I walked forward, grasping onto one of the chairs.

I sat down.

I looked at the viewing screen in front of me.

I had to distract myself from the pain.

I couldn't control the emotions, but the stabbing was unbearable.

"Two....Four.....Six......"

Logic, Logic needed to step in.

It needed to save me now.

It had ruined me, and now it needed to numb me.

"Six times six is......."

My eyes clenched shut tight and I pounded the table with my fist.

The sobs weren't silent anymore.

They were loud, they were hollow. They sounded half as bad as how I felt.

I let them come, they were welcome now.

Nothing could save me now.

I laid my head in my hands, and continued to let the sobs rip through me.

She was gone.

And I would never be completed again.

--------------------------

I'm not sure how long I was lying there.

But when Jim walked in, my throat was raw and my eyes were sore.

The laws of logic had ruined my life.

Not just with Susan.

My mother never heard that I loved her.

Jim leaned over me, very uptight.

"My mother.... I never told her I love her." I confessed.

I am a monster. A Vulcan monster.

"We've got four minutes! Maybe five!" Jim spat.

"Earth woman....Living on a planet where love and emotion are.... bad taste."

I would have been selfish enough to submit Susan to the same fate, I knew it.

Perhaps she is better off dead.

I knew I would have been....

Jim grabbed my arm, hard.

"We've GOT to risk a full power charge! There's no time to regenerate!"

He had pulled me out of the chair now, and was shaking me.

"Do you hear me? WE HAVE GOT TO RISK A FULL POWER START!"

I was oblivious to his problems.

I have been treating my mother so wrongly.

I had treated Susan so wrongly. I hadn't given her half of what she deserved. I felt sick of myself.

"It was because of my father, my customs. I was ashamed to-"

Jim hit me hard in the face.

I looked back at him, shocked more than hurt.

"Jim!" I said, hoarsely.

He didn't understand! Why couldn't he understand?

"When I feel friendship for you...I am ashamed!"

He hit me again, yelling, "You've GOT to HEAR me!"

I grabbed his hand, stopping it mid-swing.

"WE NEED A FORMULA! OR RISK IMPLOSION."

I threw his hand down, angrily. He wasn't listening to me!

"Never been done!" I grunted.

Why wasn't he feeling my pain? He was my human friend.

"Understand, Jim. I've spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings..." It was almost an apology. To him, to her...

He hit me again.

A surge of anger went shaking through me.

I hit him back.

My Vulcan strength sent him flying across the conference table.

He was determined, and sprang back to his feet.

"WE MUST RISK IMPLOSION! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!"

I shook my head in a melancholy manner.

"It's never been done!"

"DON'T TELL ME THAT AGAIN, FIRST OFFICER! ITS JUST A THEORY, IT'S POSSIBLE. WE MAY GO UP INTO THE BIGGEST BALL OF FIRE THESE PARTS HAVE SEEN SINCE THEIR SUN EXPLODED BUT WE'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT 1 IN 10,000TH CHANCE!"

The intercom wheezed to life, asking the Captain if he had found me.

"YES I FOUND MR. SPOCK, I'M TALKING TO MR. SPOCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" he slammed the button down hard.

"Yes sir. 3.5 minutes left, Captain." The voice responded calmly.

He looked down at his palm. It was moist with sweat.

"...I've got it.....I've got the disease!" he cried, wiping his hands together.

I looked at him.

The ship was most likely going to expire.

The outlook seemed to insignificant compared to my loss.

That thought stirred me back into reality.

I couldn't let this ship die! The people on this vessel had family, friends! They were not redshirts. They were not statistics.

That is when I realized the true value of a human life.

Or any life.

I cleared my mind, and found in the deepest cracks of my conscious, the formula Jim was looking for.

I would save this ship.

It's what Susan would have wanted.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Or the one.

--------------------

I blinked.

My mouth had fallen open.

I promptly shut it.

The flashbacks had been so real, I could feel the ache in my chest pounding like a bruise.

My fingers were still on Jim's head, feeling his pain.

I would spare anyone from this fate.

Especially my best friend.

"Forget." I whispered huskily.

He did.


	8. Epilogue

EDIT!!!!!!

Hello readers! sorry for the excitement, no new chapter or anything, just wanted to give a shoutout to the amazing miss _sketchyluls_ over at PHOTOBUCKET for her beauuuuutiful FANART that she has made for Redshirt!!! :DDDD

please check it out, it is AMAZING!!

Thanks again, sketchyluls!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Everything was burning.

Every inch of my skin, from the tips of my fingers to my scalp, felt as though they were on fire.

The air was toxic.

Every breath I drew burnt my lungs and throat.

My eyes were closed, but through my throbbing lids I could feel the brightness of the radiation-flooded engine room.

"Spock!"

The voice sounded thick and far away.

It was Jim's voice.

I opened my eyes.

The room itself did not resemble death. It was so bright. So clean.

I stood, shakily, adjusting my jacket carefully.

I turned in the direction of Jim's voice.

Everything I saw was very milky and thick. The radiation was clouding my eyes.

I made out a human figure behind the glass.

Blindly, burning, I stumbled towards it.

I bumped into it much faster than I had anticipated.

My skin was bubbling, and as I hit the window, the skin on my chest seared.

I tried to angle my head in Jim's direction.

Yes, I could make out his face now.

"Ship..."

My voice sounded dead and gravelly. I sucked in another polluted breath.

"...Out of danger?"

I could feel his stare running over the blistering green skin on my face.

"Yes."

I nodded sternly. I had done it.

I looked up at my friend again.

"Don't grieve, admiral." I swallowed, bits of my tongue went down my scorching throat, "It is logical."

Logic.

Even now, when I was about to expire, it held me fast and tight.

All my life it had hindered me, but held me up. It made me stronger.

Even now.

I looked briefly down at my gloved hand.

I shut my eyes.

Somewhere, deep inside my brain, I wondered if I would be with her again.

Illogical.

I opened my eyes again.

"The needs of the many....Outweigh...."

My voice, rough and sick as sand, faltered.

In my head, I heard the phrase uttered in a sleepy little voice.

Jim's deep tone interrupted.

"The needs of the few."

I nodded slowly.

The room was beginning to go even more out of focus. Edges were blurring. Colors were running. The light was becoming suffocating.

"..Or the one." I added, trying to put the nearest thing to a smile on my burning lips.

One of my organs felt immediately as if it had disitegrated.

I hunched over for a moment.

Jim miserably put his hand up to the window.

I tried to stable myself.

"I never took.....The Kobiashi Maru test...Until now." I joked.

Joked.

Perhaps at a long last, I finally did.

"What do you think of my solution?"

If I could have chuckled, I would have.

My poor friend shook his head in agony behind the glass.

"Spock..." His voice was becoming a whisper now.

Another searing pain inside me caused me to double over.

I gasped in pain, only to breathe in more of this fire.

My knees buckled beneath me, and I leaned heavily against the window before sliding to the ground.

I turned to Jim, who had joined me on the floor.

"I have been, and always shall be...your friend!"

The little piece of humanity inside me that I had been repressing for all these many years, had survived the radiation.

It was the only thing that didn't throb now.

I shook the glove off of my melting hand.

I threw it against the window. The cold of the window soothed it vaguely.

My fingers were spread in the Vulcan salute.

"Live long...." my voice was becoming even more liquidy. Like thick mud. It cracked inaudibly. I was leaving Jim behind. It was logical. It didn't feel right.

"...And prosper."

On the other side of the glass, he put his hand up to mine.

I did not feel it.

I was alone.

My body became to heavy for me. I wouldn't be in it much longer.

My eyes closed.

I slumped heavily against the glass.

"No..." Jim's voice shuddered.

It sounded very distant.

The light felt even brighter now. My eyelids must have been thinning.

I dug into the long forgotten memories that I had kept myself from remembering.

For the first time in years, I allowed myself to recall Susan Perry's laugh.

It flooded my head like cool water.

It filled every crack in my brain, saving it. It soothed it, somehow.

The pain was gone.

The laughter trickled down into the rest of my body, curing the fire that had been curdling my green blood.

I felt cured.

For the first time since her death, I felt whole.

A shadow blocked out the light from my eyelids.

I opened my eyes.

The engine room was quiet.

A figure was standing in front of me, looking downwards at me curiously.

The light cast her face in a shadow.

Slowly, almost timidly, she extended her hand out towards me, two fingers held out together.

I stared at them for a moment.

It couldn't be.

The logic in my head seemed to knock upon my mind, begging to be let back in.

I wanted to. Oh, how desperately I wanted to.

However, that glimmer of hope, that insane wish that was growing in my mind refused to let it in.

"Who....Are you?" My voice no longer sounded gravelly.

The hand dropped sorrowfully, and then was sheepishly pulled behind her back.

The silence was deafening.

I needed to hear the voice.

I needed to know this was not some insane illusion.

"Sorry, Vulcan. I thought you'd remember me."

My heart exploded in my chest.

That was Susan's voice.

My Susan.

I attempted to scramble to my feet.

I made it all the way to my knees before I gave in, throwing my arms around her waist.

She was warm.

She was living.

It was her.

She stumbled a little at the force of my impact, but I held her tightly and closely.

And then I heard it: Her laugh.

It was no longer a fuzzy memory buried under years of scar tissue.

It was alive, it was falling all around me like rain.

"Susan." I whispered. My breath was heavy with this incredible joy.

I shut my eyes and felt her warm stomach against my face.

Her hands were excitedly running all over my head and shoulders, through my hair and across my ears like she wanted to be sure I was real.

"Oh, Mr. Spock!"

I felt her knees collapse beneath me, and she sunk to her knees as well.

She held my face in her hands.

Her face was practically glowing. Her eyes were bright and deep, the same sparkling stars that I remembered from years past.

"Mr. Spock, I'm so sorry! I-" She shook her head, her eyes glistening like the old black and white movies, "I didn't want to go."

Her lip quivered lightly and she slid her arms around me, burying her face in my neck.

"I didn't want to leave you..."

I could feel her hot tears on my neck.

I put my nose into her golden hair, holding her as close as possible.

"I'm sorry that my life went on so long." My low voice choked out.

She pulled back to look at me.

Her fingers ran along the deep wrinkles on my cheeks.

"No, no. You were wonderful. I watched you every day." She smiled, her eyelashes sparkling with dewy tears. "You are so brave."

I smiled.

I truly smiled.

I gingerly put my fingers to the side of her face.

I let out a short gasp.

I forgot how vivid her mind read.

All of the thoughts in her head were buzzing around, spinning gleefully.

All of the thoughts had my name in them.

Susan giggled softly and leaned her head forward,so our foreheads were touching.

I opened my eyes and looked at her.

Our smiles were reflected in the other's eyes.

And I kissed her.


End file.
